Coming Clean....

The other day I read a girlfriend's blog about adjusting to life with three little ladies. It was so well written, and honest. I found myself audibly responding to my computer screen-"YES, OMG-you took the words out of my mouth,-and Preach it woman!" You can read her blog here http://beallthereblog.blogspot.com/2013/09/truth-telling-reflections-on-my-first.html


At any rate I have been mulling over the idea of writing/documenting my own truths about being a mom of two. Ever since Zachie has been born I have been extremely reflective about motherhood, and life in general. I am constantly in awe of families with more than two children. Those mom's are super heroes to me. Seriously-I don't know how you do it. You are amazing!!!

 Let me preface this with I am beyond thankful for my boys. I feel blessed and grateful for their little lives. I am fine, don't freak out.

1. Siblings-Watching Noah be a big brother is fantastic. He is Zachie's biggest (literally) playmate. Zachie desperately wants to play with Noah and catch up to his brother. Watching that dynamic is fascinating to me. The downside is that sometimes Noah gets put on the back burner because I have to tend to Zach. It pains me to see Noah's face when I tell him "not now Noah, I have to be with the baby right now." I have also had to really monitor Noah with Zach. Zach has been dropped, yelled at, and manhandled sometimes on purpose and sometimes not. Teaching Noah how to handle Zach has been bananas.

2.  Alone time-you might think that this involves "me" time. Oh but you are sorely mistaken.  I don't recall the last time I was alone. Alone time is my one on one time with each dude in my life. I now do dates with Noah or Shannon. Zachie's dates are in the middle of the night.  Shannon and I have had minimal dates, but we are working on that. It is so much work.  Church is our weekly date-free child care, and we get spiritually fed. We have our coffee, and sit for an hour of peace. It's fantastic. Noah's dates tend to be a run to target, the park, a bike ride, or every night when we read stories. It is purposeful and intentional.

3. My body-it's a hot mess. I've never been the picture of a fit body-but it's pretty pitiful right now. In my heart I really want to be fit-it's just been really different this time.  It's been super difficult to get back on a running schedule. I have a million excuses-lack of sleep, lack of sleep, lack of sleep, work, time, I'd rather be in bed etc. I signed up for a 10K in January, and I need to get my rear in gear. It's gonna happen. Mark my words-it is going to happen.

4. I'm a bad friend.  I apologize for the lack of communication, missed play dates, lack of texts,  and phone calls.  I will return eventually.

5.  Shannon and I laugh a lot about raising Zach. With Noah I read every book, and got daily email updates about baby development. This time-it's not happening. I'm constantly saying out loud....is this normal? My 7th month old is crawling, sprouted two teeth, talking, and pulling himself up. I have the books, and the internet at my fingertips, but I am just too lazy to actually read it. Poor Zachie.

6.  I find joy in getting rid of baby gear and clothes. My house looks, and feels like a daycare.  I do get nostalgic about certain baby clothes, and I am keeping some. BUT- I am not a pack rat. With Noah I saved every baby item knowing that we would eventually have a second. As Zachie grows we donate, sell, or give the baby stuff away. I find such pleasure in organizing and cleaning things out. I nest year round constantly.

7. The most difficult emotion for me is that I have struggled with not feeling like I can do anything 100%.  I want to give 100% to my job, my kids, and Shannon. It's been really, really hard. Going back to work rocked my world.  I just had to come to terms with living in the moment. Wherever I am I give 100% at that moment. When I am at work I give 100%, but when I leave work I am done. It's my family time. While this sounds like a simple concept it took me the whole first quarter to figure this out.

8. We are done with kids. I have been pregnant 5 times in the last 5 1/2 years; gave birth once and had two c-sections. My pregnancies were not easy at all. I didn't glow, or look adorable. I was cranky, puked A LOT, exhausted, uncomfortable, and was in pain. I appreciate that I was able to go through the process of being pregnant. It was a pretty amazing experience. But we are done. Our family feels complete. Shannon and I are happy. No-we are not going to try for a girl.

9. We got a cleaning lady.  Time is money, and time is valuable. A cleaning lady is worth the money and financial sacrifice to our family. We love it.

10. It is so awesome to see how different our boys are. Their personalities are so incredibly different. It amazed me how much I love each of my boys. Noah is so snuggly, sensitive, has incredible comedic timing, and can be the tasmanian devil. Zachie is the happiest baby on earth, super social, strong, and very curious. Shannon and I look forward to see how they will make a difference in the world.

9 years...

Most people remember and celebrate milestone anniversaries such as a first kiss, first date, an engagement and of course the anniversary. However my favorite anniversary in our love story is Shannon's clean and sober birthday.  9 years ago today Shannon made a radical choice to get clean and sober. It was monumental in every way. So yes you can do the math...this year we will have been married 7 years but together for 10. I was with Shannon during the darkest days in his life. He is not the man that I dated, or even caught my eye. He is a million times better.

When we were dating I thought that Shannon was an awesome boyfriend because he always gave me my space. We'd hang out for a couple days and then I wouldn't hear from him for 3-4 days. I thought that he was just being super cool by giving me some time to myself since I was pretty independent. In my mind it was a great balance. However I eventually learned that on those days that I didn't hear from him he was busy with his own me time.  There were some really ugly moments. I was a naive midwest girl that quickly got an education on drug addiction.

After two years of craziness we broke up. We didn't speak for 6 months. I was devastated, miserable, and completely broken. I knew that I met the love of my life but he wasn't ready. Eventually our paths crossed coincidentally and we started speaking. I was getting ready to go on a missions trip to Costa Rica, and he offered to watch my dog while I was gone. When I came back he was there sitting on my porch and told me "I'm going to rehab, I'm going to be clean, and you may not love me when I am done. I may be a different person. But if you do-we will be together forever." I will never forget that moment, or that day.

The following year was full of growing pains. He started at the VA hospital, then went to  VVSD, then on to a sober living....The whole process took about a year.  He did change as he sobered up-he is more cautious with his emotions, a little neurotic, but he is even more joyful! A little after his year anniversary we got engaged on September 13th, and then married on December 16th.

Many people that know our journey know what a miracle it is. We beat the odds. We are a success story. While I know all of this I never, ever take his sobriety for granted. There are moments that overwhelm me with gratitude of God's grace and mercy. Shannon is the strongest man I know. I cannot put into words how he has changed me, or my perspective on life. I am amazed at how addiction is crippling, and life stealing, and deadly. Shannon refused to let addiction rule his life. His life is a living testimony. I cannot wait to celebrate every anniversary....next year is 10!!!! Watch out world!

He is the best dad in the world.

He is an accomplished tri-athlete.

Shannon never met a mirror he didn't like.

He's tough:)

He loves video games-nerd alert.

Typical. Obviously he has a sense of humor.

Did I mention he is super nerdy. Yes, that is a lucas film studios and he is posing next to a yoda fountain.

This pic was taken in our first place together shortly after our wedding. I love it.

He's a beast.

Shannon makes me laugh everyday. Of course my husband choose to go to a kids halloween party as a bloody clown. Awesome.

I am...

So two of my girlfriends have been doing this writing exercise and I am giving it a try....It's an I am writing assignment where you describe yourself in 4 places in your life-food, places, people and words spoken into your life.

I am- a strong coffee with vanilla flavored creamer, Chicago style pizza, a chocolate cupcake with white icing, a vegetarian sandwich perfectly crunchy with dressing, a Mexican coca cola, cheese enchiladas with black beans and rice, and pot stickers with the perfect amount of crunchy and steaminess.

I am- a blue rocking chair in a dark room comforting my baby, a freezing cold classroom full of inquiring minds,  a"train passenger" giving my ticket to my "train conductor" on a captains bed in a little boys room, a soft and squishy matress of comfort to my boys in the middle of the night, and the rolling stones beneath my feet on a morning run before the sun rises.

I am- a burp cloth to zachie, a jungle gym to noah, free entertainment, a good listener, retail therapy, reckless with my emotions or fireworks, passionate about adventure, and a connoisseur of glitter and crafting.

I am- mom, i lub you, bubbas, dude!, i like big butts,  you're driving me nuts, group hug, thanks for teaching my kid, mommy, i went potty, gimme a fist bump, high five, and blessed.

thankful for moments...

This summer has been super fun with my boys...I have loved every minute of being home for the last 6 months. The thought of going back to work in 2 weeks is painful for me. Every time I get weepy I think of moments that I am thankful for. Noah and I have bonded, potty trained, cooked,  and laughed till we almost pee our pants. We have played, learned to swim,  cooked and gone on adventures. I have been really selfish with my time knowing full well that it was temporary. I have cherished lazy mornings, bike rides, and rocking Zachie in the middle of a crazy day.  Having two boys has been a big adjustment for me. It's a struggle for me with two kiddos, but slowly I am going to get the hang of it.

This moment was life changing for me. 

1 month-so tiny at about 6.5 pounds.

2 months-starting to become alert.

3 months-all smiles.

4 months-red hair is staying, and he is the happiest baby.

I love his facial expressions. He already is giving me attitude.

Noah was in another wedding this past weekend. I didn't even prompt him to kiss me in this pic. He has me smitten.

Shan with his "dad beard".  I don't think that it is ever leaving.

Our family on the 4th at the Coronado parade.

Waiting for the fireworks.

His face just kills me.

Zachie's face is priceless. This is how we spend most mornings.

Over the past 6 months Noah has fallen in love with cars, riding bikes, fist bumps, and swimming.

Good Morning.

This was taken on the day that I came home. We have many "brother moments" and it is so awesome.

four letter words.....

I have a confession to make. I love cussing.

Now let me preface this with I NEVER cuss in my classroom in front of my students, nor do I cuss in front of my children. This has led me to saying ridiculous things like bananas, fiddlesticks, what the what?, REEEEallllllllly dude, gnarly, and poop on a stick. I take my role as a teacher and mother very seriously.

However, when I am within my circle of comfy friends I let it go. I know that it's wrong, but its my only vice. I never went through the crazy party drinking phase, or wearing super slutty clothes and clubbing phase. I even get nervous watching rated R movies, and horror movies-forget it!!!! So I guess this is my rebellious phase.

I will never forget the very first time I had dinner at Shannon's parents house. My father in law sat down and said "blah blah blah F*&%!" I about spit out my food right there, but no else even flinched. I heard nothing else the rest of the night. It was a shock to my system, but deep down inside it lit a fire in me.

It was shortly after that I started trying out cussing. Letting it slip in here or there in conversations with my friends. I'm not gonna lie-it was fun.

Now that I am a upright standing citizen, teacher, and mom my cussing career has really diminished to when I exercise. I'm a straight up gangster mutha when I am running. After my run I should wash my own mouth out with soap.

Yes, I read the bible and I know that it is not becoming nor Godly to use profanity. If I am striving to be a proverbs 31 woman then I should watch my tongue-but on a really hot day, when I am on mile 3 striving to get to 13,  I need a shower, Noah is screaming,  Zachie needs to be fed,  all of a sudden Shannon wants to discuss something "important", the car needs gas, my clothes don't fit, and cali needs a walk well then sometimes you got say F*&% it.

You can pray for me:)

my dear noah....

While looking at my phone the other day I realized that 99% of my photos were of baby Z and only a few were of my little Noah. This has been a huge adjustment for Noah-and at times it has been horrible while other times it is precious. There are starting to be more good days than bad days with Noah, and he totally makes my heart melt.

Noah, you are the best big brother and so helpful; except when you pick up your brother and drop him.

I love your bold choices-from face paint, to dance moves, to riding your bike in the street.

You are generous with your love, kisses and snuggles.

Your butt and curiosity are seriously cute.

Morning snuggles are better with a big brother.

Zachie never has to worry that his toys won't work because you are willing to test them out.

I love that every night after dinner you shout "brother bath"! It never gets old.

Your love for music excites your daddy because he truly believes that you will be in a band. (no pressure, I will love you just the same)

The fact that you are losing your "babyness" and becoming a little boy is so exciting to me. I love watching you grow.

I love watching you sleep.

You can be the most difficult, frustrating child and then two seconds later smile and say "sorry mommy."

It's so great that you know what you are passionate about-cars, trains, and singing. I pray that you always know what you're passions are, and that one day you can build a career on your passion.

I love that you still want to sit in my lap when you are nervous.

If your report card is any indication of our future then we are in for a wild ride. You can be super smart but if you don't play well with others it will be very hard to be successful. Guess we have some work to do;)

First post baby date-take two!

So after our last date I was a little nervous about going on a second date-it turned out great. 

We were so excited to get out of the house that we didn't even bother retaking the blurry picture. 

I was really excited to rock my birthday shoes from my friend JJ!

We were in a rush to get the 7:00 pm show so we ate some christian chicken in an attempt to offset the fact that we were about to watch an offensive show.

We found a free parking space downtown-SCORE!

I've been writing a piece for my graduating 8th graders for promotion. My theme is going to be; "be awesome today" and this marquee made my heart smile. It says "redefining awesome". I think that the word "awesome" is one of my favorite words.

AZIZ!!!!!!!

Beyond excited to sit super close and laugh all night!

He opened the show by allowing us to take photos of him and then yelled at us to put our cameras away. It was hysterical.

Aziz's show was fantastic. He talked about kids, dating, marriage, and ghosts. We couldn't stop laughing. 

Best night ever. We decided that for our sanity, and happiness we have to make the time to get away at least once a month. It's so hard for us because of Shan's work schedule and the baby, but we have to do it. I love dating my husband.